Alone and Jobless: Sean’s Sterquilinous Soothfast Soliloquy
I almost gave up on this blog since it is so personal, I thought perhaps it would be better suited for my person blog, but I realized that maybe this is an important side to share with people.
I have been having a tough time lately.
I quit my job because it was starting to get to the point that it was taking me away from things at Empty Church and have not found a new job to replace it with. I need something with consistent hours (even if it’s at night), benefits, and a decent wage. I’m not afraid of work, it just has to allow me to live and allow me to do what I am suppose to be doing. In addition to the job stress, Kristal has gone away to her great opportunity and I’m just kind of… here.
Things at Empty Church have been a little tough lately. With Kristal’s (temporary) departure to Josh’s job demanding a lot from him, there have been some pains in transition. We could all communicate a little better and my depression has been taking an extra toll on me lately.
Being productive really sucks when I don't want to even get out of bed.
It only hurts on Monday unless it hurts every day. What can I do about that?
I still have to apply for jobs. I still have to write blogs. I still have to write sermons. I still have to send emails. I still have to….
To be honest this is why many of you might have noticed that the weekly recap email came out late on Friday last week. I spent most of the week moping and then I had to be productive and I plain forgot about the email. I was updating my computer and about the take a shower as the fact that it was Friday hit me - I had not set up the email. To those who look forward to the email, I’m sorry, but thanks for receiving the email regardless. If you aren't signed up for the email and you would like to be, you should consider signing up now.
During a time like this, it’s easy to fall into the same patterns, the same routines and not the good ones. I end up staying up all night and sleeping in all day - with Netflix in the waking hours. I often try to do ONE productive thing so that I’m not a complete and utter failure. It sucks. There is so much I should be doing. I apply for one job rather than five or even more. I hardly eat. I was suppose to go shopping for groceries and here it is Thursday and guess what I haven't done. Josh just had a birthday and today is Sarah's birthday and I want to get them something but here I am stuck. They are important friends to me but I can’t even show it. I love them, but if I cannot over come this emotional, spiritual, biological handicap, do I really? I put off Empty Church writing even when I enjoy writing. I shut down. It’s easier to fall into apathy.
A Guilty Conscience
I know that life is great but all the voices say everything to the contrary. It hurts. I can lay in bed and all the negative self-talk flows through my head. All the things that I regret. All the times that I have saddened God. All the people I wish I could apologize to but cannot.
Most of you will never read this. But I’m sorry I wasn't better. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I didn't respect you for the beautiful beloved creation of God. I would ask you to extend to me the forgiveness that Jesus extends to both of us and I would ask you to pray that I might one day forgive myself.
I still need to rely on Jesus.
Even before Sarah came out with her tithing blog on relying on God, I had written this line and placed it at the end of my blog because I knew that regardless of all the things I was going to express in this blog - All the pain and sadness that I am feeling - I still need to rely on Jesus.
He is here with me. He is the one who sticks closer than a brother. He is the one who gives a peace that surpasses all understanding. He is the reason Paul could keep going despite all odds. He is the reason we live and move and have our being. He is.
Literally everything I have accomplished up to this point is thanks to God. Any good in me that someone might see is only by the grace of God. Some people are just naturally better than me but left to my own wants I choose the selfish, gratifying choices rather than the selfless God inspired love choices.
I still need to rely on Jesus.
Thank You for letting me share.