Empty Church Proclaims Coffee the new Alcohol

Empty Church Proclaims Coffee the new Alcohol

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For release: April 1, 2016. 

Repent ye Coffee Drinkers

In many Christian circles - none of which overlap with the superior Reformed movement - alcohol usage has been frowned upon and outright disallowed. Though many are starting to waver from their convictions, it has come to the attention of Empty Church and its constituents that real problem is no longer alcohol. It's a beverage served hot or iced that is to be forbidden. Coffee is the new devil's brew. 

Citing a 1999 study, EC CFO, Sean Kready, had the following to say, "I looked it up on the internet and the internet is never wrong. People spend almost $200 a year on coffee. That is money that they could donate to Empty Church. And of course to other religious organization that advacne the Kingdom of God - but they could be giving that money to Empty Church. That alone makes coffee drinking a sin."

When we approached Kristal Miller, the church's resident skeptic, she wasn't exactly sure why the sudden change on coffee drinking. "I mean, churches are utilizing a 'marketplace strategy.' They roast their own beans now and private label their coffees. This has become a significant part of their economic and missional strategy. What are these churches going to do?" Besides being a large portion revenue, Kristal wonders how upbeat worships services will be affected, "I know when I go to church on Sunday morning I NEED the caffeine just to greet people, how is the lack of caffeine going to affect the jumpers and dancers?" 

Sarah Schaidt, EC's Internet Technology leader, now searches for a replacement for her speciality drink. "I just can't type a line of code without a sip of my Grande Soy Chai Tea Latte, no water, add two pumps of cinnamon docle and two pumps of vanilla - it tastes like apple pie in a cup! Without that sugary sweet goodness the quality of the website might just decrease." We asked Sarah about potential substitutes. "Well energy drinks are for teenagers and I hate exercise. So, I don't know what I am going to do."

Finally, we met with Josh Schaidt, the self-proclaimed Creative director and spiritual guru of Empty Church. He sheds some light on the real reasons for the ban. "Look, we need attention. We need eyeballs and click throughs. We need to build a brand. The best way to do that is to create controversy and attack people's sacred cows." He continues, "It's about marketing and I am the supreme church marketer. People will love Empty Church. They may not care about Jesus or the Bible, but they will love Empty Church." When questioned about the trash can overflowing with Starbucks cups, he retreats, "The ban goes in affect today." He abruptly ended the conversation and walked out of the room.

Coffee has been banned for Christian usage. You heard it hear first. But one would suspect unbiblical motives in this call to abstinence. This is what happens when people take the church's word as bond and do not search the Scritptures for themselves. 

Published: April 1, 2016

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