The Biggest Lie
If you have been reading my blogs, you’ll know that I am a very independent person. This week on our podcast we discussed the biggest lies we tell ourselves. I told the group that the biggest lie I tell myself is that I don’t need anyone else.
As mentioned in the podcast, my upbringing is what led to my independence. My mom was always working and I was left home to defend myself against my three brothers. I had to be independent or fall prey to their constant taunting and endless pranks. I had to be tough or spend my life crying in my bedroom anytime my brothers were mean to me. There were rare moments when we all got along but that was usually under the watchful eye of adults.
By the time I could stand on a stool and reach the dishes in the sink, I was washing them. When I was in third grade I was getting up at 5am before my mom left for work so that I could get my brothers up for school (two of which were older than me). I was also mowing the yard with a riding mower, sweeping the entire house on a weekly basis, and feeding the dogs every day. I would also sit on the counter and watch and help my mom or my stepdad cook dinner every night.
One time my aunt and uncle came to visit and my mom made me give my aunt a tour of my bedroom. I had dolls and toys and things, but they rarely ever got played with. My aunt picked up one of my dolls and asked me what her name was. I didn’t know what to say. Do girls name their dolls? Do girls play with their dolls? Mine just sat there for decoration. Growing up I was taught that once it was broken, damaged, or dirty it was no good and it went in the trash.
I spent more time doing grownup things than kid things. I learned how to do everything by myself and to this day I do most things by myself. I have learned not to rely on other people and I believe that I could get through life by myself and be just fine. Josh questioned if this might even be why I struggle with believing in God and I think that it has a lot to do with it.
While I obviously recognize that my biggest lie is a lie, there are still things that I do by myself when I should probably ask for help. I take on more and more responsibilities when I’m already overwhelmed with everything going on in my life.